Ouch! That hurts a little..

Well, today it was time to make a take a BIG step...

I had to clear out some baby stuff.  With a deep breath and a sigh, I cleared all the baby bottles and paraphernalia out of my kitchen cabinet and pantry.  I've known I should do it for a few months, but every time I looked at the "stuff" in the cabinet, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  So I would shut the door and walk away.  It would have to wait for another day when I was "emotionally" ready to do it.  I know it probably sounds crazy, I know John thinks I'm insane the way I keep holding on to the baby stuff in our house.

John and I decided after Caleb was born that we are done having kids.  It's a decision I'm absolutely good with.  The problem is not that I want more kids, the problem is that taking baby stuff out of my life means my kids are no longer babies.  There is the OUCH!  It tugs at my heart and makes it ache just a little...right...over...there...and there too.

My sweet tiny (well, one of them was anyway...) little angles that I brought home from the hospital will never be that small again.  They will never coo at me in such a way that melts my heart forever!  Although, I will admit there are a few things I will probably never miss about bringing home a new baby, there are some things my heart will forever ache to see again.

Tyler Buddy

I remember the first time Tyler looked at me and gave me a big smile of recognition because he was looking at his mommy.  Caleb's smile lit up my whole bedroom first thing every morning, and with it my life!

Baby Caleb

Just so you don't get the wrong idea, every single day is an adventure with these amazing gifts from God. I have a zillion memories of amazing moments of their lives.  I truly do look forward to seeing what they will be like as adults.  I pray with all my heart John and I can succeed in raising two boys who love God, are kind and generous, and have ambition that will take them to amazing places.  It is simply a fact that as they grow and we pass from one stage to another, there are some things we can only experience one time...and as I do look forward to knowing my grown sons, I don't want to get there too soon.  For now I'm content with my sweet boys who love to snuggle and who think their mommy and daddy hung the moon.  All too soon I know that will begin to change...and they might not think we're the coolest people forever.

Realistically I know that holding on to the baby stuff doesn't keep my kids small.  It doesn't slow down the inevitable passage of time and make them tiny again.  But for now it makes me feel better.  Slowly I know that I will eventually clear most of it out of my house.  But it has to be a slow and progressive and I get to decide when to do it.  Until then I'll keep my "stuff" and I'll occasionally pull out tiny baby clothes and look at them and remember when my babies were that small. And until then nobody gets to judge me for holding on to stuff that reminds me of one of the greatest times of my life.  One day maybe I'll pull out all my favorite baby clothes and some baby blankets and maternity clothes and have a quilt made.  Then my memories will make me happy and warm!