Ouch! That hurts a little..

Well, today it was time to make a take a BIG step...

I had to clear out some baby stuff.  With a deep breath and a sigh, I cleared all the baby bottles and paraphernalia out of my kitchen cabinet and pantry.  I've known I should do it for a few months, but every time I looked at the "stuff" in the cabinet, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  So I would shut the door and walk away.  It would have to wait for another day when I was "emotionally" ready to do it.  I know it probably sounds crazy, I know John thinks I'm insane the way I keep holding on to the baby stuff in our house.

John and I decided after Caleb was born that we are done having kids.  It's a decision I'm absolutely good with.  The problem is not that I want more kids, the problem is that taking baby stuff out of my life means my kids are no longer babies.  There is the OUCH!  It tugs at my heart and makes it ache just a little...right...over...there...and there too.

My sweet tiny (well, one of them was anyway...) little angles that I brought home from the hospital will never be that small again.  They will never coo at me in such a way that melts my heart forever!  Although, I will admit there are a few things I will probably never miss about bringing home a new baby, there are some things my heart will forever ache to see again.

Tyler Buddy

I remember the first time Tyler looked at me and gave me a big smile of recognition because he was looking at his mommy.  Caleb's smile lit up my whole bedroom first thing every morning, and with it my life!

Baby Caleb

Just so you don't get the wrong idea, every single day is an adventure with these amazing gifts from God. I have a zillion memories of amazing moments of their lives.  I truly do look forward to seeing what they will be like as adults.  I pray with all my heart John and I can succeed in raising two boys who love God, are kind and generous, and have ambition that will take them to amazing places.  It is simply a fact that as they grow and we pass from one stage to another, there are some things we can only experience one time...and as I do look forward to knowing my grown sons, I don't want to get there too soon.  For now I'm content with my sweet boys who love to snuggle and who think their mommy and daddy hung the moon.  All too soon I know that will begin to change...and they might not think we're the coolest people forever.

Realistically I know that holding on to the baby stuff doesn't keep my kids small.  It doesn't slow down the inevitable passage of time and make them tiny again.  But for now it makes me feel better.  Slowly I know that I will eventually clear most of it out of my house.  But it has to be a slow and progressive and I get to decide when to do it.  Until then I'll keep my "stuff" and I'll occasionally pull out tiny baby clothes and look at them and remember when my babies were that small. And until then nobody gets to judge me for holding on to stuff that reminds me of one of the greatest times of my life.  One day maybe I'll pull out all my favorite baby clothes and some baby blankets and maternity clothes and have a quilt made.  Then my memories will make me happy and warm!

Back to blogging...hopefully

 

Boy, oh boy, life gets busy sometimes.  I thought we were busy with just Tyler in our lives.  Then Caleb came along...and life got exponentially busier.  That being said, I would rather be overly busy with my two wonderful boys than lonely and bored without them.  I try to remind myself of this when I'm picking up the same toy for the 50th time in a day...without my kids I would have no toys to pick up.  And I would be bored and alone and bored and alone.

And so I'm thankful for my boys. Tyler, who is smarter than John and I (which is a problem!!) and Caleb our Challenge Baby, who has brought more challenges to our lives than we ever imagined possible.

But here we are, all well and happy, and busy.  It's been a long time since I've blogged, so I thought I'd pick it up again.  What have we been up to?  Well, nothing new really just more of the same, trying to keep up with Tyler and his smarts and Caleb and his never ceasing to move (except when he's sleeping). 

As I said before though, everyone is well, and that's all we can hope for.

In the past year, we've been on a journey.  I suddenly found myself overwhelmed by anxiety.  That's sometimes a hard thing to admit, but then again, I've found that when I do someone can relate.  So there it is...I have anxiety.  I'm medicated, but I'm well and happy.  That was quite a journey, dark sometimes, but with the help of my amazing husband, some faithful family and friends, counseling and well, honestly drugs (only prescription ones though) :) I have found my way back to me, actually a better version of me, if I do say so myself!  So some days are not great, but everybody has a bad day now and then...and I just don't let it get to me.  I've started a healthy eating routine that my great husband is fully on board with and my kids are okay with also.  And finally, we have rediscovered our faith.  That might sound strange, but I got lost with my anxiety and had no idea where to turn.  In part, I turned to God.  Part of that was taking my kids to church.  This has been really good for us.  Now, please don't call me religious.  I'm not!  I have a deep faith in God and how He can and has worked in my life over the past year.  I won't go into all that now, but the truth is, I know I wouldn't have worked through my anxiety without my faith.  The reason I don't want to be called religious though is because I simply love Jesus and everything he stands for and I don't have to join a particular religion to live that every day.  I'm trying with everything I am to instill this love in my kids, and for now it seems to be taking.  :) 

The best part is that Tyler has more faith all wrapped up in his tiny little body than anybody I've ever met!  He's amazing.  One day I asked him what Jesus meant to him.  He said, "Me?"  So I said, "Yes, just you.  What does Jesus mean to only you?"  He thought for a second, and said, "Well, Jesus means truth and goodness and love."  I was blown away.  I'd like to take credit for putting such a well thought out concept into my boy's head.  Though, it's not me.  We go to church, we read a cool little Bible for kids at bedtime, we pray together...but I didn't put that in his head.  The truth is that I can say all I want to him, but he just gets it.  He gets what Jesus is all about and that he should and does love him.

And Caleb...well, he might not get it yet, but I'm still working on him.  He's just so sweet and innocent.  Every night at bedtime, I have him fold his tiny little chubby hands together and he looks up and says in his sweet little voice, "Tank you Gawd."  I giggle every time he does it.  Then I have him say, "I wuv you Gawd."  I believe with all my heart that God must get a big kick out of his well, meaning mumbles.

Well, it's a long one, but that's where we are and what we're doing.  Tyler will start Kindergarten in the fall and it will be a bittersweet day for me.  John makes fun of me because Tyler will be gone for just a few hours, but it's so much more than that.  It's the end of an era.  Tyler and I have gotten to spend most of our time together from the day he was born.  I feel like I'm going to slowly be pulled away from my best buddy.  I know that's an over exaggeration, but it feels true.

I've also been taking tons of pictures for people.  I have a business, Blissful Moments Photography.  You can find us on facebook at www.facebook.com/pages/Blissful-Moments-Photography/227085100705915?sk=wall and on our website at www.blissfulmomentsphoto.com.  That's been fun to watch progress.  I even have a wedding this summer, and hopefully will have a second one in the fall as well.  Here's hoping! 

In June we were fortunate enough  to get to take a trip to Seattle to visit my sister and then a short trip to Vancouver.  It was a great time!!!

We'll keep you updated on our lives, and please keep us updated on yours!!!

My boys by the Olympic Cauldron in Vancouver.